Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day. Mitch […]
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, […]
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. Mitch Hedberg
People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, […]
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I […]
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive […]