Famous one liners.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and […]
I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. Mark A. […]
I do realize that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested. […]
Be like a postage stamp, stick to one thing until you get there. Josh Billings
The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer […]
It’s quite true I’m not drinking anymore; however, I’m not drinking any less either. W. […]
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my […]
Don’t call me, I’ll call you… I’m out. Kevin O’Leary
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. Robin Williams
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I’m older than most western countries. […]
Originality is really important. Jim Carrey
It’s much too late to save myself from falling. Elton John
You’re short on ears and long on mouth. John Wayne
You know, I’m almost out of the habit of watching episodic television now. Dick Van […]
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your […]
God gives the nuts, but he does not crack them. Franz Kafka
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. Rodney Dangerfield
I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that’s all I […]
It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you’ve played […]
Life is like a box of chocolates, I’m a nerd and I read books. Dick […]
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. Bob Hope
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. […]
I’ve been a good boy, I’ve never really been convicted of a serious crime. Tommy […]
Buy me a drink, sing me a song; take me as I come, cause I […]
I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member. Groucho Marx
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette. Rodney Dangerfield
I had the right to remain silent… but I didn’t have the ability. Ron White
Community college is like a disco with books: Here’s ten dollars; let me get my […]
I never forget faces, but in your case I’ll gladly make an exception. Groucho Marx
If a bout of ‘creepy face’ sets in, the trick is to look away from […]
I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for […]
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. Rodney Dangerfield
If you’re the president you only have two jobs: peace and money. Chris Rock
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Groucho Marx
I had 10,000 things that I like doing on the show itself, and certainly among […]
I’ve retired so many times now it’s getting to be a habit. Dick Van Dyke
You don’t have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody. You could just graze nuts. […]
I quit smoking cigarettes and with the $70 a month I am saving not smoking […]