Henny Youngman | GreatestTweets.com

All posts tagged in: Henny Youngman

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Funny

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
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Henny Youngman

Nov 25, 2019

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Good Question

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
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Henny Youngman

Nov 22, 2019

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Uncategorized

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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Henny Youngman

Nov 20, 2019

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Funny

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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Henny Youngman

Nov 18, 2019

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Adulting

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
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Henny Youngman

Nov 14, 2019

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Adulting

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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Henny Youngman

Nov 11, 2019

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Food

I said to my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ She said, ‘I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before.’ I said, ‘Try the kitchen.’
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Henny Youngman

Nov 5, 2019

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Funny

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
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Henny Youngman

Oct 31, 2019

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Adulting

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.
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Henny Youngman

Oct 29, 2019

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Crazy

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you’re it.
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Henny Youngman

Sep 6, 2019

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Advice

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
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Henny Youngman

Jan 13, 2019

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