Joke | GreatestTweets.com

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Joke Quotes, Joke One-Liners, Joke Sayings, Joke Memes, Joke Statuses and Joke Tweets!

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Funny

Ah, yes, divorce…from the latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
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Robin Williams

Jul 16, 2019

4 Views

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Famous

I’m far from being God, but I work God damn hard.
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Jay Z

Jul 13, 2019

11 Views

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Crazy

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Steven Wright

Jul 9, 2019

17 Views

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Crazy

Anytime u use a dildo to cushion your fall it’s a win!
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Jeremy Piven

Jul 8, 2019

11 Views

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Death

If I’m dead do I still have to pay my taxes?
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Axl Rose

Jul 8, 2019

17 Views

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Food

They say you are what you eat, but I don’t remember eating a jaded, anxious human being.
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Cole Sprouse

Jul 8, 2019

13 Views

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Crazy

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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Chris Pratt

Jul 8, 2019

15 Views

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Funny

Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing.
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Ryan Reynolds

Jul 7, 2019

31 Views

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Crazy

Farts are weaponized poop. Have a good night everyone.
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Hank Azaria

Jul 7, 2019

12 Views

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Food

No fair! Denny’s says anyone under 10 eats free– but they don’t say if thats means “years” or “feet!”
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Stephen Colbert

Jul 7, 2019

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Adulting

To anyone who is concerned that my life is sad: do not worry, I am eagerly waiting for a box of flannel nightgowns to arrive!
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Lena Dunham

Jul 6, 2019

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Funny

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable.
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Cher

Jun 30, 2019

21 Views

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Funny

Husbands are like fires- – they go out when unattended.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor

Jun 30, 2019

18 Views

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Funny

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.
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Jack Black

Jun 30, 2019

17 Views

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Funny

I wish I could trade my heart for another liver, So I could drink more and care less.
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Tina Fey

Jun 30, 2019

15 Views

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Funny

The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.
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Quentin Crisp

Jun 30, 2019

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Crazy

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
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Adrienne Gusoff

Jun 30, 2019

16 Views

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Famous

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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George Carlin

Jun 27, 2019

19 Views

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Crazy

Keep seeing the glass half full and it will dawn upon you that it’s probably your turn to buy.
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Bill Murray

Jun 27, 2019

25 Views

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Famous

As long as you know men are like children, you know everything.
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Coco Chanel

Jun 27, 2019

19 Views

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Funny

The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.
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Oscar Wilde

Jun 27, 2019

22 Views

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Famous

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
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Benjamin Franklin

Jun 14, 2019

21 Views

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Crazy

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
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Woody Allen

Jun 14, 2019

26 Views

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Adulting

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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Steven Wright

Jun 14, 2019

44 Views

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Funny

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Steven Wright

Jun 12, 2019

43 Views

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Funny

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love, though I’d stepped in it a few times.
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Rita Rudner

Jun 4, 2019

42 Views

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Beautiful

Every day I’m thankful that my beautiful wife has terrible taste in men.
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Rodney Lacroix

May 29, 2019

70 Views

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Crazy

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
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Ellen Degeneres

May 28, 2019

48 Views

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Criticism

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.
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Jay Leno

May 14, 2019

50 Views

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Advice

Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not a jackass whisperer.
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Brene Brown

May 14, 2019

48 Views

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Famous

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
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Roseanne Barr

May 13, 2019

46 Views

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Advice

Be aware; if you ask me for advice, you my end up in the woods with a bunch of hippies dancing naked around a camp fire.
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Brent Treznor

May 12, 2019

81 Views

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Funny

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I’m older than most western countries.
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George Burns

May 11, 2019

62 Views

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Funny

You know, I’m almost out of the habit of watching episodic television now.
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Dick Van Dyke

May 6, 2019

65 Views

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Advice

You must not look in that mirror at your doughy legs and flat feet, for today is about dreams and illusions, and unfiltered natural daylight is the enemy of dreams.
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Tina Fey

May 6, 2019

61 Views

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Funny

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
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Bob Hope

May 5, 2019

69 Views

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Funny

God gives the nuts, but he does not crack them.
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Franz Kafka

May 3, 2019

70 Views

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Funny

I am freaking out! I am freaking out.
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Jerry Seinfeld

Apr 30, 2019

55 Views

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Funny

Cheech and I used to call ourselves musicians; we never called ourselves comedians. We were musicians that were funny.
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Tommy Chong

Apr 30, 2019

56 Views

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