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Joke Quotes, Joke One-Liners, Joke Sayings, Joke Memes, Joke Statuses and Joke Tweets!

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Funny

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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George Carlin

Oct 8, 2019

28 Views

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Funny

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
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Erma Bombeck

Oct 2, 2019

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Adulting

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
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Zach Galifianakis

Sep 27, 2019

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Crazy

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
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Steven Alexander Wright

Sep 26, 2019

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Adulting

If you’re looking sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
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David Sedaris

Sep 24, 2019

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Family

Comedy has always been important in my family. If you got in a good joke at the dinner table, it meant more than almost anything else.
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Isla Fisher

Sep 19, 2019

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Funny

Hopefully heaven has an open bar.
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A. R. Lucas

Sep 17, 2019

14 Views

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Crazy

I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Bob Monkhouse

Sep 16, 2019

29 Views

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Crazy

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you’re it.
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Henny Youngman

Sep 6, 2019

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Adulting

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
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Bob Monkhouse

Sep 3, 2019

30 Views

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Funny

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
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George Best

Aug 23, 2019

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Funny

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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George Carlin

Aug 20, 2019

19 Views

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Adulting

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin’ back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they’re gone.
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Leonard Alfred Schneider

Aug 15, 2019

18 Views

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Funny

I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a-bitch, I forget it.
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W. C. Fields

Aug 9, 2019

21 Views

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Funny

Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.
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Yogi Berra

Aug 9, 2019

22 Views

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Funny

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
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Larry David

Aug 9, 2019

22 Views

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Joke

If I had a dime for every time that I was wrong, I’d be broke.
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Stephen Colbert

Aug 8, 2019

24 Views

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Intriguing

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.
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Friedrich Schiller

Aug 1, 2019

24 Views

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Funny

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Mitch Hedberg

Jul 26, 2019

46 Views

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Funny

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Rodney Dangerfield

Jul 24, 2019

26 Views

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Funny

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.
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Richard Pryor

Jul 24, 2019

30 Views

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Funny

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.
Written by GreatestTweets

Fran Lebowitz

Jul 24, 2019

27 Views

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Crazy

I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized…. I’m just slutty. Where’s my parade?
Written by GreatestTweets

Margaret Cho

Jul 24, 2019

23 Views

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Funny

I was married by a judge I should have asked for a jury.
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Groucho Marx

Jul 24, 2019

29 Views

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Crazy

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
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Joan Rivers

Jul 24, 2019

29 Views

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Crazy

I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.
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Russell Brand

Jul 24, 2019

32 Views

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Funny

Ah, yes, divorce…from the latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
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Robin Williams

Jul 16, 2019

25 Views

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Famous

I’m far from being God, but I work God damn hard.
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Jay Z

Jul 13, 2019

42 Views

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Crazy

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Steven Wright

Jul 9, 2019

43 Views

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Crazy

Anytime u use a dildo to cushion your fall it’s a win!
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Jeremy Piven

Jul 8, 2019

38 Views

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Death

If I’m dead do I still have to pay my taxes?
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Axl Rose

Jul 8, 2019

48 Views

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Food

They say you are what you eat, but I don’t remember eating a jaded, anxious human being.
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Cole Sprouse

Jul 8, 2019

38 Views

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Crazy

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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Chris Pratt

Jul 8, 2019

41 Views

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Funny

Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing.
Written by GreatestTweets

Ryan Reynolds

Jul 7, 2019

56 Views

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Crazy

Farts are weaponized poop. Have a good night everyone.
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Hank Azaria

Jul 7, 2019

37 Views

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Food

No fair! Denny’s says anyone under 10 eats free– but they don’t say if thats means “years” or “feet!”
Written by GreatestTweets

Stephen Colbert

Jul 7, 2019

34 Views

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Adulting

To anyone who is concerned that my life is sad: do not worry, I am eagerly waiting for a box of flannel nightgowns to arrive!
Written by GreatestTweets

Lena Dunham

Jul 6, 2019

47 Views

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Funny

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable.
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Cher

Jun 30, 2019

58 Views

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Funny

Husbands are like fires- – they go out when unattended.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor

Jun 30, 2019

62 Views

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